May 2022 newsletter

 May 2022. Newsletter Article 

Coping with Loss and Grief

 A Commentary by Ijeoma P. Chijioke- Nnani.

The idea of loss emanates from love, concepts of time, space, and possession. In contrast to ownership or possession which elicits positive emotions, loss incitesftc negative emotional, physical, economic and health concerns. Everyone loses loved ones or things at some time, so loss and consequent grief are universal natural phenomena, yet the loss of loved one to death, divorce or just missing is surreal. Grief results from loss of loved ones, job, pet, property, heritage, divorce, separation, or other losses. No loss is trivial as all bear negative consequences varying from person to person. Loss leaves us broken, and vulnerable with immense emptiness.

The COVID 19 pandemic, is the cause of loss of health, lives of millions and economic wellbeing in contemporary times. Loss due to COVID is worsened by the inability of people to even hug and bid goodbye to loved ones, gather for funerals, or grieve in socially, culturally, and spiritually familiar ways to find comfort, closure, or healing.

The NAACUS family have suffered COVID related loss and grief as well as deaths from other causes. Let us continue to pray for the repose of our departed loved ones, healing, and comfort for one another in this grief filled times.

What is Grief?

Synonyms of grief include anguish, sorrow, heartache, pain, misery, and angst, all of which provoke negative emotions and stress. Grief is a natural human response to loss of loved ones or other losses. The more people we share close loving relationships with, and the longer we live, the higher the chances of experiencing loss and grief. As my late grandmother will say, “ohu nmadu, ohu anya mmiri”, translated literally to ‘twenty persons, twenty tears’. The closer the relationship and greater our love, the deeper the grief as grief is born from love. Grief comes from loss of relationships in time and space as it is hard for the human mind to fully experience relationships and love outside time and space. Grief has social, emotional, physical, cognitive, behavioral, cultural, philosophical, and spiritual dimensions.

Grief in the Scriptures.

The Bible is full of instances of loss and grief starting from Adam and Eve, the genesis of human loss, grief, and coping. They first experienced grief from their loss of God’s presence, evening walks with God, (Gen 3:8) and getting thrown out of Eden, a place of fullness (Gen3:22-24). Then the loss of their two sons, Cain turned murderer and vagabond (Gen 4: 8 -10), for killing Abel. The death of all first born in Egypt, and millions of deaths in the wars and famines of the Old Testament brought much anguish. Slaughter of the innocents by Herod attempting to kill the infant Jesus, a fulfillment of the prophecy of loss, anguish, pain, and lamentation which is relatable to parents in the loss of a child. “A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping for her children, refusing to be comforted, because they are no more” (Matthew 2:16–18). The metaphor of Christ as man of sorrow acquainted with grief (Is 53:3) and Mary as mother of sorrows whose heart is pierced by the sword (Lk 2:35), provide keys to cope with loss and grief, through Mary our mother in Jesus Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit under the shelter of the Almighty father.

Coping With Loss and Grief.

Different people respond to and cope differently with loss and grief. However spiritual comfort and healing through faith and humble submission to the will of God are key to Christian teaching of coping with grief. It is common to question God in grief. Where is God when bad things happen? Why me? The metaphor of Christ as man of sorrow and Mary as mother of sorrow, relate less to their experiences of loss and sorrow and more to their unfathomable depth of coping solace for the grieving or sorrowful. We can find the answers to many questions in the coping solace from Mary through Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit in the shelter of the Almighty Father. Christ nailed death and sorrow to the cross by his death and resurrection and Mother Mary, soothes away our pain and sorrow if we approach in faith and humble submission. Receptiveness to the Holy Spirit and submission to God is the secret of healing and comfort from pain and sorrow as portrayed by Christ’s early disciples, the saints and in contemporary times.

Experts have provided insight to loss, grief, and ways to cope. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross proposed the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no order to these stages of grief, rather they shed light on loss, grief, and coping journey. The initial response to loss is often shock which triggers denial and anger. Denial manifests like a nightmare from which we want to wake up quickly with hope that our loss is not real. The way news of loss is broken is critical to minimize shock, a lesson which I learnt the hard way as a teenager. I broke the news of death that occurred while my father was away on a weeklong trip as I raced out of the door to hug and welcome him. His hands began to shiver in shock, and he needed support to get into a chair. The deceased got a ride from my father and was literally the last person my father spoke to on his way out. Shock and overwhelming trauma from loss can cause people to shut down just to get through the moment but buried emotions often resurface and anger sets in.

Anger sets in during or after denial as a person tries to push back the reality of the loss. Different people express and direct anger in different ways. Anger may be directed at anything or anyone including loved ones who are trying to help, strangers, medical team, deceased, and inanimate objects. Lashing out in anger at loved ones can cause resentments and worse anger if misunderstood. During the funeral of a close relative, the spouse who ordinarily is very kind, gentle and respectful, lashed out at relatives. Though stressful, we remind each other that it was not about us and not to take anything said or done by the spouse to heart. Anger in grief may arise from loss of control, and guilt while bargaining what could have been or not that could have prevented death of the loved one.

Bargaining in grief involves scrutiny and attempts to gain control. What if I had done this or not done that? For example, the loss of a child or other relatives to substance overdose evokes much scrutiny and blame. Maybe if I paid more attention, spent less hours away, took them to rehab… etc. In case of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) or cot death: why did I lay the baby face down, face up or on the side? Self-beating or blame cannot bring back the departed loved ones and may not help with coping or healing. Bargaining stage may be best employed to offer and receive forgiveness, gain acceptance of the permanent change event that cannot be fixed, to prevent spiral into a dark place that may not be real.

Depression in grief can overwhelm people into a hopelessly dark place if not quickly addressed. A good support system, getting outside of the home, seeking medical help, and engaging in positive endeavors to occupy the mind are very important during grief. The support group should try to comfort and cheer up the directly bereaved and do their crying out of sight if possible because crying a lot in front of the bereaved while laughing when out of sight may not be helpful to the bereaved. Treating depression and coping with other stages of grief can help usher the grieving to acceptance, a good place to be and an important survival mechanism in grief. Accepting the loss of a loved one helps the grieving towards healing and to embrace the permanent change to their life due to physical absence, social, psychological, economic, and other dimensions of the loss of the departed. There is no set way to grieve or cope in grief but hopefully one of these tips can help someone.

Tips, for Coping with Loss and Grief (Please review the Scriptures and find others that deal with loss and grief in full on) Prior to experiencing loss and grief, it may be wise to accept some gut wrenching but fundamental truths about human existence. There is time and season for joy and grief (Eccl 3: 1-8). Death is a natural part of life, and death is just one breath away from life. Birth and death, like gain and loss, are two sides of a coin. Nothing on earth belongs to any of us (Eccl 1: 1-14). Not my body, life, child, spouse, parents, house, money, nothing I claim to own belongs to me. Everything is loaned to me to hold for some time and hand over whenever they are called back. So, I must cherish the moments I have.

1. Be gentle, and patient with yourself and other affected persons and give yourselves the time you need to heal.

2. It is okay to cry in grief, so do not be embarrassed or apologetic to cry publicly.

3. It is important to seek adequate healthcare (ensure vitals are ok), receive grief counseling and other appropriate care.

11. Be open and receptive to the Holy Spirit, the comforter, Spirit of wisdom through prayer, humility, charity, listening for the voice of God,.

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